|
Subject: Postcard from Purgatory
Posted by: Shadowcrab at 02/13/00 02:06
Likely no one's noticed, but I've been having a little trouble keeping a rant about "Uncanny
X-Men" 379 stuck to the board, what with my temper and all getting out of hand. So I thought I'd ask for some divine guidance. I mean, who better to have around when the High Evolutionary comes a'calling than
the Master of Creation Himself?
I'm not usually the praying type, but here goes:
Crom, I've never prayed to you-- Whups. One more time:
Dear God. Got my latest, latest rant. It's ready to go. Boy, the last issue of "Uncanny"
really--
WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?'
Uh, is this a trick--oh, oh, "God," sir. Called you "God."
BEFORE THAT.
Errr, "dear."
WE DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER THAT WELL.
Right. Sor--
GOT YOUR "HAPPY HAT"?
My what, sir?
DON'T PLAY DUMB.
Sorry--
AND DON'T GROVEL.
Uh, sir, I think that phrase--you know, I think in a, uh, God-related context--think Terry Gilliam
has a copyright on--you know, "Monty Python and the Holy--"
WOULD YOU BABBLE IN THE PRESENCE OF THE DIVINE?
No, sir. Of course not.
OF COURSE NOT. "HAPPY HAT" OR NO "HAPPY HAT"?
I'll take "Happy Hat" for one hundred, sir.
YOU'LL TAKE "HAPPY HAT" FOR A HUNDRED YEARS IN PURGATORY, YOU STUPID--
Sir! Not on the board, sir! "Happy Hat" on, sir. May I rant now?
IF YOU MUST. BUT BE BRIEF. "CHICAGO HOPE" IS COMING ON IN FIFTEEN MINUTES. AND ONE MORE
THING, SHADOWCRACK--
"Crab," sir--
DO NOT TEMPT MY WRATH!!!
Not even with a delicious HotPocket?
WHAT?
Nothing, sir. You were saying...?
I'M A FAN. A HUGE FAN. WOLVERINE RULES!! IN A MANNER OF SPEAKING. PERHAPS I MIGHT HELP WITH YOUR
"RANT."
Okay. Yeah. Some, uh, help would be good. Go ahead, sir. Kick it off.
I LIKED THE FUNNY BITS.
Mmm. I--er. Mmm. What funny bits?
MAGNETO, THE FALSE IDOL, BROUGHT LOW. HA!
Okay, sir. That's good. Me, personally, I would have voted for the part where everyone has guns in
the office where Mystique works. That's the last time I take the last pack of pink PostIts in my own private cubeland, let me tell ya. Heh.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
Riiight. Moving along: how about the art? Little cramped, bit anal, but have to say I pretty much
liked it, me being the anti-Kubert and all--
THE ANTI-WHAT?
Uh, Kubert.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID SOMETHING ELSE. SORRY.
No problem. Really. We agree, then: nice art. Just a couple quibbles. Nightcrawler's tail looks like
he's got a tasseled curtain sash growing out of his--
BUTT.
Nice save there, sir. Thank you. And the chicks all have identical grapefruit bazooms--
I THOUGHT THEY WERE DUCKY.
A more, err, apt adjective might be "peachy," big gay.
YOU SAID "GAY."
It was a typo from "Chinese Ghost Story," I swear.
REALLY?
You can't lie to God. It was right there in the subtitles: "The big gay with the beard."
I LIKE "DUCKY."
"Ducky" it is, Lenny. You like bunnies, too?
RABBITS ARE KEEN.
Mm hm. And again, moving right along: skewer the writing, shall we?
YES. WOLVERINE IS NOBLY IN CHARGE.
Sir, I'm afraid I must respectfully disagree with--Oh, butter. Oh, Teflon cookie sheets. In charge
of what? This is a non-situation. Oh, the High Evolutionary blew some pixie dust into the air, and all our powers went away! And when NASA wants to get the space shuttle off the ground, I suppose all the engineers
stand in a circle and clap their hands and say, "I do believe in fairies! I DO believe in fairies--!"
YOU ARE SHUTTING UP NOW, SHALLOWCRACK.
Oh, yeah, right, I'm shutting up. Ooh ooh ooh. We're talking major genetic tampering here! We're
just up to making Dolly the Cloned Sheep and Her Barnyard Wonder Pals, and these writers expect us to believe--
YOU ARE GETTING ON MY NER--
--when in three short weeks, they're just gonna say, "Whoops. Oh, never mi--"
[Transmission Interrupted by DIVINE WRATH. Do Not Contact Your Internet Provider.]
AH. CHEVROLET. THE HEARTBEAT OF AMERICA. AND MARK HARMON. ALL IS WELL WITH CREATION. NOW, WHERE DID
THAT COW HIDE THE HOTPOCKETS?
(Yours, from the tiny hole in existence known as)
Shadowcrab
|
