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[Comicscollapse, reporting from Sommwar, Australia.]
Emerging from his "creative womb beyond the strictures of time and space" only to find that
"Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" has been off the air for nigh-on thirty years, Grant Morrison, author of "The Invisibles" and "X-Fab," has decided to illustrate his views on nature and
natural selection in a new WB-Animal Planet co-produced series, "Crocodile Hunter: Evolution."
[The following is translated from Morrison-speak by certain anonymous Ivy League professors of philosophy heavily dosed on
peyote under controlled lab conditions. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO TRANSLATE "MORRISON" AT HOME.]
"Sharks are an ancient fish. We've many much more modern fish in the seas; logically, sharks shouldn't be here any more,"
Morrison explained. "Therefore, the producers of 'Crocodile Hunter' have been kind enough to allow me to launch a spin-off series showing how outdated species have just got to go. Our first episode will illustrate
how sharks become extinct."
"We were going to focus the episode on how evolved, modern fish gang up on the coelacanth and make IT extinct, but it's such
an ugly S.O.B. the producers thought the show would be a ratings bomb. A match between the horseshoe crab and the hermit crab is not out of the question, however."
Lest viewers think Morrison's Darwinian expertise is confined to the seas, the Scottish scribe assured Comicscollapse that
land-based episodes are in the works.
"We'll be having a show on the battle for evolutionary dominance between the ring-tailed lemur and the macaque," he said, "as
soon as we can figure out which is more evolved."
The problem, he says, lies in the animals' relative grasp of mathematical concepts.
"While the Japanese snow monkeys have it all over the lemurs in advanced geometry problems, the lemurs—-and this is very
odd—-have a much stronger grasp of telemetry and algebraic equations."
Not to worry, though. Morrison assured us that work on a backup "land" show is well underway.
"I can't give too much away," he said. "But people will be seeing the Galapagos turtle and the VW Beetle in a whole new
light."
Reporting for Comicscollapse,
Kim Kaliszewski
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