Subject: Still hacking at--on?--the Monster Mash....

Posted by: Mystaque at 01/15/01 01:25

 So, before I start giggling over the tragedy in the next Uncanny--

[heh heh. heh heh heh. heheheheheh.]

--just one little question from She Who Spends Far Too Much Time with the Administrative Code of the City of New York:

Since when can tenants evict their landlord and/or the guy who owns their building?

Okay, okay, I already know the answer: 'Cause this is an X-comic, and mutants--like ALL THE OTHER MINORITIES in the [boo! hissssss!] United States have no legal rights! [See: she can be taught!]

But newly trained though I may be, I still have to ask: how in the world did they (the worried, paranoid peasants--er, tenants) expedite their little injunction against poor harried Warren? Here's how it would go in the real world:

[LEADER OF TORCH-BEARING MOB]: We want to evict our filthy mutie landlord!

[HOUSING COURT JUSTICE]: "Our filthy mutie landlord"--what?

[LEADER OF TORCH-BEARING MOB]: Errrm...your Honor?

[HOUSING COURT JUSTICE]: Ooo-kay. You have representation?

[LEADER OF TORCH-BEARING MOB]: REP-RE-SEN-TAY--?

[HOUSING COURT JUSTICE]: Never mind. All right. Hearing set for June 18--

[LEADER OF TORCH-BEARING MOB]: WHAT? We want the dirty mutie gone NOW--

[HOUSING COURT JUSTICE]: --2002. Costs to abide the event. Next?

Looking for a landlord to evict.... Ah, well! If only I-- lowly real-world "I"--could say to someone: "Here's your damage deposit, first and last months' rent, and EVICTION NOTICE. See ya!"

Mystaque

"The presence of man on this earth is a failed experiment that does not withstand close scrutiny."

Subject: Re: Still hacking at--on?--the Monster Mash....

Posted by: dark ellipsis at 01/15/01 01:59

I just read over at Three Color Revue that the next two issues--THE WHOLE ENTIRE ISSUES--of Uncanny AND Adjective-Free are devoted to New York Landlord and Tenant Law AND that at least one X-man will DIE! [SEE? I WAS RIGHT!!] It will then be revealed *SPOILER ALERT* that Kitty, embarking on her new life as a SUPER-VILLAINESS, posted the "EVICTION NOTICE" on the hand-crafted fine Portuguese cork bulletin board in the tastefully appointed and sublimely elegant laundry room/tenants' lounge of Warren's non-condo, thereby triggering their PARANOID RAGE against him and leaving the penthouse empty, so that Kitty--henceforth to be known as BAD KITTY--could form the new *BIG SPOILER ALERT* NEO HECKFIRE CLUB in Warren's gutted penthouse, which she will cover with a high-tech camouflage tarp in hunter blaze orange pending the okay on her proposed repairs and upgrades to the property from the New York City Board of Zoning Appeals. So stick that in your [crack] pipe and smoke it, you WESTLAW-addicted skank!!

p.s. (((HUGS))) Your pal,

dark ellipsis

Subject: HA!

Posted by: Mystaque at 01/15/01 02:51

Well, *I* found sample pages of actual script from the upcoming BAD KITTY twenty-issue miniseries over at Comicscollapse! And just 'cause you're my bestest bud, I'll share!

***HUGE RANCID SPOILERS***

[NIGHTCRAWLER (in full cassock and carrying a black book and a coupon caddy) rings doorbell of EXCLUSIVE MIDTOWN HIGHRISE, home to the EVIL NEO HECKFIRE CLUB. Sign above HUGE BRONZE DOUBLE DOORS reads "Not the Headquarters of the EVIL NEO HECKFIRE CLUB. No solicitors.]

[CLOSEUP on WEIRD PUDGY BLUE FINGER pressing intercom button. SIGN BY BUTTON reads "Intercom Number 1. BAD KITTY."]

NIGHTCRAWLER: Kitty! Achy! Kitty! Are you there, Leibchen?

KITTY'S VOICE [through DOOR SPEAKER]: Did you just call me "Boobchen"?

NIGHTCRAWLER: Ach, neiny! I am a PRIEST now! Kitty, it is so good to hear your voice! It is almost as sweet to me as the word of my Lord God and Redeemer and King telling me to do His blessed work in His name!

KITTY'S VOICE: Bull. What do you want?

NIGHTCRAWLER: I have brought you a Bible and your pawn tickets--

KITTY'S VOICE: Uh, right. Kurt, you wanna do me a huge favor?

NIGHTCRAWLER: Ach, Kitty, ja! Anything, Katchen!

KITTY'S VOICE: Stand on the big red "X," wouldja?

[CUT TO: big red "X" painted on sidewalk. MID SHOT: NIGHTCRAWLER, looking confused.]

NIGHTCRAWLER: The big red "X" painted on the sidewalk?

KITTY'S VOICE: No, the big red "X" painted on the wall, dope.

[GRATUITOUS SHOTS of building wall, as NIGHTCRAWLER LOOKS IN VAIN for big red "X."]

KITTY'S VOICE: Get your butt on the big red "X"!

NIGHTCRAWLER: [Grins and thinks: Ach, that funny Kitty!]

[He HOPS NIMBLY onto the big red "X," his every move embodying a GRACE BEYOND COMPREHENSION.]

[CUT TO: Interior of Warren's gutted penthouse, now home to the EVIL NEO HECKFIRE CLUB. BAD KITTY poses beside GIANT INDUSTRIAL WEIGHT. CLOSEUP ON: WEIGHT, where we see the words "16 TONS." BAD KITTY steps aside as ridiculously complicated lifting-and-swinging mechanism (a.k.a. "a crane") lifts and swings the GIANT INDUSTRIAL WEIGHT out the blasted-out side of Warren's ex-penthouse [court date pending--Editor.] CUT TO: NIGHTCRAWLER on sidewalk eighty stories below, standing patiently on big red "X." CUT TO: GIANT INDUSTRIAL WEIGHT suspended ominously from the ridiculously complicated lifting-and-swinging mechanism that now protrudes from the gaping hole where the wall of Warren's (practically) ex-penthouse [Happy now, nit stain?--The Writer.] used to be. The WEIGHT is suspended directly above NIGHTCRAWLER. CLOSEUP ON: BAD KITTY'S hand, poised over BIG RED BUTTON. SIGN BY BUTTON reads: "ANTI-SOLICITORS DEVICE." HER HAND slams down. The GIANT INDUSTRIAL WEIGHT plummets. INSERT: *Plummety sound* THEN

And that's all Comicscollapse had! EX-CITING, huh?!? God, I won't be able to sleep--!

Mystaque