Subject: GORGONZOLA, or "Listen! Do you smell something?" *SPOILERS*

Posted by: Mystaque at 03/19/01 00:51

Pity us. We (my loyal if faithless and backstabbing minion, dark ellipsis, and I) just read "Mutant X" 31 and "X-Men" 111 in ONE (count it: ONE) SITTING.

To quote a character in the trailer for "Blow" (now there's an appropriate word): "I can't feel my face."

Or my brain. Honestly, I think this one melted the motherboard.

Erudite commentary and inquiry:

Since when do the X-Men have to wait for U.N. permission to go kick Magneto's Thighmastered as--erm, thighs? Goin' off to whomp Magneto used to be an X-manly thing to do.

Trish Tilby: SHUT UP.

And since when did Canada swipe Maine? Hell, we would've given 'em Maine. JUST ASK next time, Canada! Most Americans probably think Maine is part of Canada already.

So the moon explodes. In half a panel. Half a very small panel. But we validate a major scientific hypothesis in the process: as we can see from its parmesan-like grateability, the beloved and ancient orb that has kept majestic vigil in the ebon skies of earthly night for all time is, in fact, made of cheese. Thank you, Mighty Marvel, for clearing that up.

Canada blew up before the moon, right? Dark e says "After," but SHE IS BUT MY MINION. HA.

Three reasons for NOT blowing up Canada:

1. Tim Horton's

2. Ummm....

3. Where would we have our comic books printed?

[DRAT. Dark e had a] 4. [but she forgot. Note to self: Upgrade minions.]

[No, no, now she remembers. But she won't tell. Okay, she will. This one's kinda naughty, so all you youngsters leave the board, 'kay? Here goes:]

4. Canada's prime minister, Jean "Poutine," is the love slave of my devoted [if deeply delusional] minion, dark e. He is her puppet, and she is his puppet master.

Magneto: SHUT UP.

Since when did [the all-new (oops, wrong book) and proactive] Captain America and the Avengers wait for U.N. permission to go thundering off to trash tiny fictional countries? Probably about the same time a second head sprouted from Cap's nether regions and started giving interviews to eerie dwarf reporters from BeeENNNNBeeCee. (Those were some weird panels. I'm all for Mike Ploog homages, and I love John Carpenter's remake of "The Thing," but that was some twisted art. No, wait, I have to rephrase that: *ahem* Art like that chills the very soul of even a twisted and scheming [no: not "sick puppy"! Bad minion! BAD MINION!]--no: Chills me to the core of the very heart of my twisted soul! The very soul of...evil--! The very soul of I...MYSTAQUE!! There. Better.)

Magneto is simply cheesed because he is a foot short and cannot land. [Look closely at the cover of 111. Or don't. It's probably better if you don't.] Headline: "World's Leading Podiatrists Summoned to Emergency Conference With Oaken-Thewed Leader of Tiny Fictional Country."

I chuckle now at the groan of agony emanating from my staunch if self-serving minion, the boon scallion of Hades itself, dark e, who foolishly tried to verify a "fact" in "Mutant X," lest her evil mistress (I! I, MYSTAQUE!!) misspeak herself and thus come off as a complete boob. Minion, did I not tell you? CANADA BLEW UP FIRST!!

Bwah ha. Bwah ha ha, etc.

Mystaque

It's in my idiom.