Subject: Dear Abby (or Magik #1 *SPOILERS*), by Father Kurt

Posted by: Mystaque at 09/30/00 19:27

Dear Abby (I said that already, ja?),  After an intensive six-month Sally Struthers course of study (which I purchased using my good friend Logan's credit card on TV for the low, low price of $19.95), I was recently ordained as a Catholic priest, ja. But I am also an X-Man, ja, and I don't have the time for all those annoying Catholic sacraments, ja, nicht wahr? The correspondence course I took said I would be responsible for only two sacraments (of my choice) and one forty-five-minute mass per week on Sunday, and fifteen minutes of confession hearing, ja. But they lied, those wienerschnitzeln. So math has never been my strong suit, but it now seems I am responsible for *seven* sacraments! Lieber Gott, who knew?!? And being an X-person. And my ex-Boob--Liebchen needs me to help chop up icky creatures in Limbo. (Why I can not just water her ferns when she is in Limbo, I do not know.)

Help. 

P.S. I look like a hairy blue demon, and I scare my parishioners. 

P.P.S. But I like God, so my destiny obviously, Abby, is to follow my divine calling as a priest. Ja. 

P.P.P.S. And my good friend Kitty, who had been missing for months while the rest of us got beaten by Neo (not the cute little cars, nein!) and drank beer, is returning to us now as a transgender lumberjack. 

Help me, Abby! 

Father Kurt Wagner, by way of  Mystaque

Subject: Dear Father Kurt

Posted by: dark ellipsis at 09/30/00 20:03

Congratulations on your recent ordination! Most young men have to complete a grueling *eight-year* course of study--lucky you!

Perhaps if your diocese realized that you wish to specialize in only two sacraments, they might try job-sharing your duties with another priest (or priests). Or your team might hire another specially abled man or woman part-time, to assist with your heroic duties as an "X-person."

P.S.: About being a "hairy blue demon": I'm sure your parishioners accept you just as you are! But for the occasional change of pace, why not try wearing a cloth sack or bag over your head when conducting services? You might ask your friend Kitty, who is likely to be in the market for some *macho* new hobbies, to embroider a yellow smiley face or other tasteful motif on it.

P.P.S.: I'm glad you love God, Father Kurt. But should the actual duties of being a priest prove overwhelming, do not despair. There are no losers in His eyes. Or freaks. Or muties. Or mutie freaks.

God bless.

Abby, as dictated to

dark ellipsis